Another vanity post? Read it then tell me.

Okay so its February.
Just a few months to go before the big day comes.

Yes, its the day that I might have been dreaming of for a long, long time - guilty as charged. Of course, when I think of my wedding day, I imagined myself to be as svelte and as beautiful as I can ever be. The terms radiant, blooming, effortless, chic, gorgeous and even goddess-like might have come up.

Okay, I may have a bit too much high regard for myself. My parents brought me up telling me I'm beautiful, which has been reaffirmed by some third party like relatives and friends. So I might not have gotten over that.

Lately though, I have been feeling like I look like crap. Should I blame it on the hormones and the lack of exercise? I don't know. Its just that I'm supposed to be radiant already, but instead I look dull and tired. My main problem though, is my figure. I've put on so much weight that I could almost pass for a gay-bride. It's because I'm not the chubby type. I'm big-boned and bulky so I don't look cute like some plus-sized brides. I''m meant to be long and lean. So now I look masculine. Its so sad. I'm supposed to be at my prime, but at the look of it, it seemed like I've already let myself go.

I saw wedding pictures of a batchmate of ours on Facebook. She looked absolutely stunning and beautiful. I was so jealous. Well, she has always been one of the prettiest girls in the batch. Of course, we're way past that.

Its just that, when I look at other brides, they seem so radiant, so calm and collected. And I look at my reflection in the mirror - big face, double chin, facial hair and all, so I thought, am I gonna be the only awkward-looking bride in history? Will I be the first exception to the connotation that brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day?

NO. I should not let that happen. I'm fighting it. I claim that I will be beautiful on my wedding day. Come on, its not like a total makeover and transformation is required. I believe that I have the "goods", so there's really no need to pull off a miracle. I need to look better though; the best that I can be. If I have to work doubly, even ten times hard for it, I would. There's no surrender. I still have some more months to go. To lose two sizes, to have fairer skin; to load up on all that Vitamin C and E which will supposedly give me a radiant glow. And those skin products, I'll take all that I can; and to exercise as much as I can, at least three times a week. And I need to go back to boxing.

Why am I so into this? Well, aside from the fact that I have dreamed about this day for a long, long time so less than stunning is simply unacceptable, its because I'm marrying the man of my dreams. And for the longest time that we have been together, I have strived to be the girl in his. To be the best person, girlfriend, friend, partner that I can be - his dream girl. And our wedding day will sort of be the culmination, the affirmation that indeed, I am that girl. The girl he wished to be with for the rest of his life. The face that he will see when he opens his eyes in the morning. I want him to take one look at me and know, right at that moment, that he made the right choice.

Just yesterday, as we were discussing wedding preps over email, I realized that Babe was getting so anxious about the wedding budget. So I asked him why, and the next words he said just moved my heart from its very core: "Mahal na mahal kita Ming. I want you to be the star on our wedding day, at gagawin ko lahat para matupad yun." Those words alone, and the boxing match is over. I've already won first place, if life was a race.

When I walk in, I want people to think, even for a split-second, that Babe is the luckiest guy in the world for marrying me. And not that I'm this girl who just got lucky someone loved her enough to marry her at that state. Both are kind of true though. I'm lucky, he's lucky. We are both very blessed to have found our true love, at an early age, so they say.

I know thinking and talking about my appearance too much may sound so superficial, but really, I will only get married once. Is it so bad to want something that will give you great memories for the rest of your life?

When I'm old and wrinkly, I want to be able to look at my wedding photos and remember how I, beautiful and still in my prime, married the love of my life and lived happily together forever.