On motherhood

I know, I know, yesterday was Mothers Day and all. I celebrated it with my family and gave gifts to my mom, Babe's mom, a close family friend and soon to be brother's girlfriend. It was all good. I tried to extend a greeting to my mommied friends in facebook as my cellphone chose to lose its battery on a day when we have no available chargers at home. Anyway, I just realized, despite the nauseating cheesiness brought about by all the advertising, that there really is something special in motherhood.

I don't know if its just the season, or a sudden jolt in my insides at the thought of becoming a mother. Its weird. I know I have always wanted to become a wife, and a bride. But I don't know where this feeling came from, that I suddenly had this burning desire to be a mom. It was like suddenly, I was aching, yearning for it.

I received great news today, that my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend are expecting their second child. Another angel in the family. Another cute pamangkin that brings out the doting side of me. But at the corner of my heart, there was a thump. Because here they are, already expecting their second blessing. While I'm not even sure if I will have the opportunity to bear a child.. I have polysistic ovaries... I have been 'irreg' since I had my period. And somehow, this causes me to worry. Because there is a possibility that I may not be pregnant...ever. This thought breaks my heart in many, many ways. Contemplating on my status right now, I realized, that if I get married and would end up barren, not only am I deprived of this blessing, but also the most important person in my life. My fiancee is great with kids, and I know he would love to be a father in the future. I would be soo heartbroken if that dream doesn't come true for him. As for me...

I know I was never the nurturing motherly type except in the company of my rather childish friends, and I'm deathly afraid of giving birth. But recently, just out of nowhere, there was a loud cry in my heart, and my spirit calls out to the Father, saying "I want to be a mom."

Well of course not this instant, but at the right time. I just feel it. That I can do anything today for that promise to be fulfilled in the future. I don't even know if I will be good at it, but I know that I would give anything for it. Please, please, let me be...

Sigh... I am praying for it now. I know it will be God's call...and I know He knows whats best for me, so, I rest my case and leave it up to Him.

For all the mothers out there, you are blessed. Love your blessings.